The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
