I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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