i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the day after is always just damage control
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
