you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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