I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
