just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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