Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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