i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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