Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
