he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
