Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
