if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
