Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Someone shit on the floor
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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