You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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