Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
