She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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