I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
