I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We got so high we made milksteak
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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