yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
