Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
