She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
