if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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