if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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