I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
