Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
