Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
