What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
