90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The Olympian is in my bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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