just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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