i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
