she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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