Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
