I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
