We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
