whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
