I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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