Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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