I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
