Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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