I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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