My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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