someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
