Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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