when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
