I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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