I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
