I want to have your abortion
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
