I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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