I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
