someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize