booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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