He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
