im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
