remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
