I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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