is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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