sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
